Twitterature by Alexander Aciman Read Free Book Online Page B

order. Like I said, opposites are the new white.
    Met a drab hot girl today. Slipped me a note saying she loved me. Romance is forbidden because everything good in this society is bad. Hmm.
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    Fuck it, lifeʼs a risk. Had sex on the hillside; went wild, though for a moment I was ashamed of my varicose veins.
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    While you should never date a hooker or a porn star, I suggest a girl who writes porno. Guess what she thinks about all day?
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    We defeated Eurasia in the war! Or was it Eastasia all along? Either way, weʼll take them as usual!
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    Julia and I do it every day. Nice store owner rented us a room without cameras. Must not launder bed sheets too often or weʼll be caught.
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    My boss wants to see me; this canʼt be good. Maybe Iʼll get laid off and have to transfer to the Ministry of Irony.
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    Surprise. He is part of a secret organization devoted to overthrowing the party. Julia and I are in. This is so exciting!
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    Just kidding. Big Brother WAS watching! Carted off to the Ministry of Love, as I tweet. Makes me think of childhood, for some reason.
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    Sometimes youʼre locked up in a secret government prison. Then you meet this crazy old woman. And itʼs your mother.
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    Hard to post through endless rounds of torture. OʼBrien tells me that the Party wants power for powerʼs sake. Deep, man.
    DAMNIT. FUCKING RATS IN MY FUCKING FACE. WHY DID I TELL I HATE RATS? NO KILL JULIA PLEASE GODDAMNIT. FORGOT: THEREʼS NO GOD.
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    Iʼm a free man. I do love Big Brother. He is doubleplusgood - truly, in my heart, I love him. Because I am free. So very free.

On the Road
    by Jack Kerouac
    @DidnʼtTypeOnTP!
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    For TWITTERATURE of On the Road by Jack Kerouac, please see On the Road by Jack Kerouac.

Notes from Underground
    by Fyodor Dostoevsky
    @TweetsFromUndergrnd
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    Iʼm a sick man. A very sick man. My liver hurts. Good. Iʼm sure the doctor could fix it, but I ruin my liver to spite my face.
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    I used to be a magistrate. No big deal. Mostly just teeth-gnashing and yelling at officers. Typical bureaucratic nonsense.
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    I know how math works, and I know 2x2=4. But it would be fucking wild if 2x2=5, eh? And after all, why shouldnʼt it?
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    My life is so stagnant, but I just love sitting on the couch all day. Inaction: where the living is easy. If you can call it living.
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    Oh my tooth! Oh my awful tooth. LISTEN TO ME: My tooth hurts and my wailing will cause you pain, too. Hah!
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    I want revenge on all those who have harmed me. Is this unhealthy? Good. Iʼm a bit of a sociopath, arenʼt I?
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    An officer pushed me at a bar. I will find this pizda son of a bitch and maybe murder him slowly. Iʼm a bit of a sociopath, arenʼt I?
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    I always walk on Nevsky, trying to find him. If I see him, Iʼll challenge him to a duel. Because itʼs the rational thing to do.
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    Yes, the best thing to do is bump into him.
    Bump. That ebanatyi pidaraz didnʼt even notice!! God, Iʼm an insignificant khuy , oh well.
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    Iʼm going out to dinner with some people. I donʼt really want to. But I want to go to prove that I can. Maybe I can ruin the evening.
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    Iʼm waiting, theyʼre not here yet. Itʼs been an hour. Couldnʼt they call? Dolboebs .
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    Alright, theyʼre here now. I shouldnʼt have drunk all that wine. No biggie. Iʼm only six glasses ahead.
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    Can you believe one of these idiots tried to talk about Shakespeare? What could he know about Shakespeare? Blyadischa!
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    Speaking of blyadischa , weʼre going to a brothel. This should be fun. I love hookers.
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    I met this sweet girl Liza. I did her, made fun of her, convinced her life as a whore was crap, then split. Iʼm a bit of a sociopath, no?
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    I also told her she could come to my house if she wanted
    to escape. Ohh, the crazy things I say during sex.
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    Now I have to borrow money from my friends for this