Undead and Unwed by MaryJanice Davidson Read Free Book Online

dragged in while I was sleeping the sleep of the sated animal.
      "Dammit, Jessica!" I cried when I saw her.
      She crouched on the mattress, almost giggling. "And now," she boomed, her voice artificially deep, "the bloodsucking fiend rises from her grave to mete out harsh punishment to the mere mortal who dared try to end her unnatural life!"
      "What the hell is wrong with you?"
      Jessica bounced up from the mattress, grinning. "That's the only thing you've got to worry about now, kiddo. Where there be vampires, there be vampire hunters. They don't know you're one of the good guys. I figured we could do some drills." For the first time, I noticed she was wearing jeans, a heavy sweatshirt, kneepads, elbow pads, and a biker's helmet. She looked like a black armadillo. "You know, get your anti-stake reflexes really humming."
      "Coffee," I groaned, staggering toward the bathroom. I was perfectly awake—and I certainly didn't need to pee—but I was determined to maintain some sort of routine. "And get lost!"
      "No way. Now that you're back from the dead, I'm doing everything I can to keep you from biting the big one again. For example, Liz, are you prepared to deal with THIS? " She yowled that last as she leaped toward my back, swinging that damned stake. I had plenty of time to sidestep her, and she hit the wall like a bug and bounced off, landing on her padded knees in front of my dresser. "Ooooh, nice!" she said approvingly. "You didn't even turn around. We'll add super hearing to the list."
      "Please go away," I begged. "I plan to stay inside and wallow in guilt all day. Night, I mean."
      "Why?"
      "Why?" I couldn't tell her about Nick. I was too embarrassed. Plus, she'd whip out the Sex Calendar and update it on the spot. As a goad to improving the frequency of my naked indoor games, she had started to keep track. The pitiful number I racked up in 2001 was especially humiliating. "Because I'm now an unnatural creature, that's why. Buzz off."
      "No way! We're going to fight crime tonight."
      "We are, huh?" Actually, that was not such a bad idea. I could do with a little atonement after last night.
      "Yup. Also, you're kind of clammy. I tried to take your pulse when I got here, and your wrist is chilly. I know! Let's take your temperature."
      I shuddered at the thought. Was I room temperature? Cold-blooded like a snake? Ugh. "Let's not."
      I found out Miss Stabs-A-Lot had been busy while I was resting (it was too deep, dreamless and, let's face it, deathlike, to call it sleeping). She'd set up my computer to download all the pertinent news stories of the day, so when I …
      (rose)
      …got up I'd see what had been happening in the world during the day. She'd also bought my house.
      "My house," I said slowly.
      "Hey, it was going on the market at the end of the month. You're dead, remember? You don't live here anymore, and since you still had eleven years to go on your mortgage, the bank was kind of interested in getting it back." She handed me a thick sheaf of papers. "It's all taken care of."
      I stared blankly at the paperwork. "Jess...I don't know what to say. This was so thoughtful...and smart . I hadn't even started thinking about stuff like my house and car—"
      "Which I also bought," she added helpfully.
      "So quickly? I haven't even been dead a week. How could you do all this stuff in a day?"
      "It helps to be ridiculously wealthy," she said modestly. "Also, I started the stuff the day you died. It—it gave me something to do. Besides, I didn't want Mrs. Taylor doing something rotten with your things. Figured I'd legally own it all, have plenty of time to sort through everything, then put it back on the market once everything was—you know—settled."
      I shook my head. "No wonder you kicked my ass on the SATs. Okay, well, I suppose I can make my house and car payments to you instead of the bank—"
      "Uh-oh, no way."
      "Jessica—"
      "Forget it."
      "—you can't