Without Feathers by Woody Allen Read Free Book Online Page B

caught fire. We purchased the sapphire only last month, but the curse seemed to be working still, because shortly after we obtained it, the entire board of trustees at the museum formed a conga line and danced off a cliff."
    "Well," Inspector Ford said, "it may be an unlucky jewel, but it's valuable, and if you want it back, go to Han-dleman's Delicatessen and arrest Leonard Handleman. You'll find that the sapphire is in his pocket."
    How Did Inspector Ford Know Who the Jewel Thief Was?
    The previous day, Leonard Handleman had remarked, "Boy, if I had a large sapphire, I could get out of the delicatessen business."
The Macabre Accident
    "l just shot my husband," wept Cynthia Freem as she stood over the body of the burly man in the snow.
    "How did it happen?" asked Inspector Ford, getting right to the point.
    "We were hunting. Quincy loved to hunt, as did I. We got separated momentarily. The bushes were overgrown. I guess I thought he was a woodchuck. I blasted away. It was too late. As I was removing his pelt, I realized we were married."
    "Hmm," mused Inspector Ford, glancing at the footprints in the snow. "You must be a very good shot. You managed to plug him right between the eyebrows."
    "Oh, no, it was lucky. I'm really quite an amateur at that sort of thing."
    "I see." Inspector Ford examined the dead man's possessions. In his pocket there Was some string, also an apple from 1904 and instructions on what to do if you wake up next to an Armenian.
    "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first hunting accident?"
    "His first fatal one, yes. Although once in the Canadian Rockies, an eagle carried off his birth certificate."
    "Did your husband wear a toupee?"
    "Not really. He would usually carry it with him and produce it if challenged in an argument. Why?"
    "He sounds eccentric."
    "He was."
    "Is that why you killed him?"
    How Did Inspector Ford Know It Was No Accident?
    An experienced hunter like Quincy Freem would never have stalked deer in his underwear. Actually, Mrs. Freem had bludgeoned him to death at home while he was playing the spoons and had tried to make it look like a hunting accident by dragging his body to the woods and leaving a copy of Field & Stream nearby. In her haste, she had forgotten to dress him. Why he had been playing the spoons in his underwear remains a mystery.
The Bizarre Kidnapping
    Half-starved, Kermit Kroll staggered into the living room of his parents' home, where they waited anxiously with Inspector Ford.
    'Thanks for paying the ransom, folks," Kermit said. "I never thought I'd get out of there alive."
    "Tell me about it," the inspector said.
    "I was on my way downtown to have my hat blocked when a sedan pulled up and two men asked me if I wanted to see a horse that could recite the Gettysburg Address. I said sure and got in. Next thing, I'm chloroformed and wake up somewhere tied to a chair and blindfolded."
    Inspector Ford examined the ransom note. "Dear Mom and Dad, Leave $50,000 in a bag under the bridge on Decatur Street. If there is no bridge on Decatur Street, please build one. I am being treated well, given shelter and good food, although last night the clams casino were overcooked. Send the money quickly, because if they don't hear from you within several days, the man who now
    makes up my bed will strangle me. Yours, Kermit. P.S. This is no joke. I am enclosing a joke so you will be able to tell the difference."
    "Do you have any idea at all as to where you were being held?"
    "No, I just kept hearing an odd noise outside the window."
    "Odd?"
    "Yes. You know the sound a herring makes when you lie to it?"
    "Hmm," reflected Inspector Ford. "And how did you finally escape?"
    "I told them I wanted to go to the football game but I only had a single ticket. They said okay, as long as I kept the blindfold on and promised to return by midnight. I complied, but during the third quarter, the Bears had a big lead, so I left and made my way back here."
    "Very interesting," Inspector Ford said. "Now