Attack of the Mutant Underwear by Tom Birdseye Read Free Book Online Page A

deed. Then a voice came from the doorway.
    Dad’s voice. “I happen to like Elvis.”
    Guess who has to clean out the litter box every day until Christmas? Me! Argh!
    Thursday, November 16
    Turns out we can’t sell poinsettias and Hanukkah candles, after all. Ms. B found out it’s against school district policy. So we’re going to sell chocolate bars instead. Which is okay with me. Chocolate bars are a product I really believe in!
    Monday, November 20
    Amy’s been spending lots of time watching the Hamster Channel lately. Seems like whenever I look up, she’s finished the assignment we’re on and is over there by Ralphster’s TV home.
    Ms. B lets her take him out and play with him sometimes. This afternoon Amy let him crawl up her sleeve. I guess it tickled, because she started to giggle. Ms. B giggled, too, but made Amy put Ralphster back.
    Tuesday, November 21
    At lunch today I walked past the table where Libby and Amy and a bunch of girls were sitting. I overheard one girl ask the others, “If you had to go out with a boy, who would you go out with?” I slowed down and listened for answers, but they all started laughing and talking at once, and I couldn’t pick out what any one person said. Like Amy.
    Not that I care. I was just curious.
    Ms. B drew Libby’s name out of a hat, so she gets to take Ralphster home for Thanks-giving. Amy looked disappointed, but then Libby told her she could come visit anytime she wanted. Amy smiled from ear to ear.
    Thursday, November 23
Thanksgiving Day
    Had turkey for dinner, of course. Dad asked me to carve it. “Nice job, Cody!” he kept saying, even though my slices weren’t as neat as his.
    For dessert we had pumpkin and pecan pie, which Mom got at the Benton Bakery. She could have gotten them cheaper at Wal-Mart, but said, “I buy local!” For a sequel to dessert we had some of my fund-raiser chocolate bars. Mom and Dad paid for them. Ace-brilliant-type-fund-raiser-guy-Me was thankful.
    Friday, November 24
    MC says it’s never okay to kiss a boy. “They always slobber all over you.” I asked her how she knew about kissing. She said, “Ken and Barbie kiss all the time! Do you and Amy?”
    I said, “I’ll tell you if you clean out the litter box.”
    She said, “I don’t want to know that bad!”
    Tuesday, November 28
    Today at recess a kid named Andrew kept hassling a girl named Amanda. He called her “nugget head,” and took the soccer ball away from her, and bumped into her—the same kind of Old Me stuff I used to do in fourth grade to Tiffany in Portland.
    Libby says it’s a stupid way to show somebody you care. Amy says it’s immature. I agree.
    Saturday, December 2
    MC said I should call this journal Girls Don’t Get Cooties.
    I said, “Mind your own business. I don’t need your help to figure out a title.” (Even though I haven’t yet.)
    She covered her ears and said, “I can’t hear you!”
    I said, “Besides, girls do get cooties. There’s one on you right now!”
    Ha! You should have seen her run to check in the mirror. Serves her right since I have to do Emma’s litter box until Christmas.
    Monday, December 4
    Today Ms. B said, “We aren’t going to have regular math.”
    Somebody said what I was thinking: “Yippee!”
    Ms. B smiled. “We’re going to do surveys instead.”
    We all just kind of sat there until Zach said, “Surveys? You mean like when you ask people questions?”
    Ms. B said, “No, not like when you ask people questions. We actually are going to do the real thing!”
    Zach rolled his eyes. He hates it when Ms. B gets on him for saying “like.”
    But here’s the deal: all we have to do is pick a topic and come up with some questions, then go around asking them and write down what people say. Simple!
    Maybe. Ms. B says we have to