Attack of the Mutant Underwear by Tom Birdseye Read Free Book Online Page B

“present the survey findings mathematically,” which I think means in a graph or something.
    Anyway, I’ll worry about that part later. Right now I’m going to make a list of things I’d like to ask people. Because I always did like to, like, you know, ask lots of, like, questions. Like, How many times a day do you, like, say “like”? (Like, I’m not really, like, going to, like, ask that, though.)
    Tuesday, December 5
    I got a bunch of survey ideas, and I’m going to do them all! If I can’t get an A for quality, I’ll get one with tons of New Me quantity! An A for effort if nothing else.
    Here’s my first topic: food. Everybody has something to say about food.
    Here are my questions (and how I’d answer them):
    â€”What’s your favorite food? (Chocolate for me, or pizza)
    â€”Least favorite? (Cooked cauliflower)
    â€”How often do you snack? (As often as possible)
    â€”What’s the weirdest food you ever ate? (Frog legs, no lie)
    â€”What’s the best food to have in a food fight? (Mashed potatoes)
    Varoom! I’m off and running! Look! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s ace-brilliant-type-Question-Man!
    Wednesday, December 6
    Got a lot of great answers to my food survey. The grossest was Zach’s. He said that when he was at his grandma’s house in Kentucky last summer, she made him eat boiled okra. I’d never even heard of okra before, but Zach said, “It’s all slimy in your mouth, like snot.” I wondered how he knew what snot is like in your mouth, but you don’t ask Zach things like that.
    Maybe I’ll do my next survey on boogers. I could ask how often people pick their nose. And why they do it. And which finger they use. Index? Pinky? And what they do with it afterward. Then again, maybe I won’t.
    Got 100 on my history test. I may not know a lot about boogers, but anything you want to learn about the Civil War, just ask!
    Thursday, December 7
    Another cool survey idea from ace-brilliant-type-Question-Man: growing up, as in …
    â€”What do you want to be when you grow up? (A pro basketball player)
    â€”Are you looking forward to growing up? (Yeah! Then I can drive a car! And eat dessert first.)
    â€”How do you know when you’re grown up? (No more pimples, I’d say. And no one tells you what to do.)
    Friday, December 8
    Today at recess Libby drew a button on the back of each finger. She made a fist and went around asking the girls in our class to pick a button and push it. When they did, she’d unfold that finger and there was the name of the boy they’d marry. When Libby got to Amy, all the girls started hooting really loud. Amy looked embarrassed.
    I wonder which boys Libby had written on her fingers.
    By the way, Amy wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up. Libby, a lawyer. Tyler, a teacher. Zach, a race car driver, “or a squirrel poop inspector.” Emerson—big surprise here!—an actor.
    Saturday, December 9
    Great weather today. No rain. Sun even came out and dried up the sidewalk.
    Which MC and Jordy figured was in need of decoration. They got colored chalk and were out there all afternoon, which made for peace and quiet inside. It wasn’t until I headed over to the park to shoot some hoops that I saw what they’d been doing. In big block letters, stretching from our house to the corner, were the words CODY LOVES AMY!!!
    I chased them around the house three times, but they kept slipping into the bushes and squirming away. Little worms! In the end I had to get the garden hose out of the garage and hook it back up, then turn the nozzle on full blast to wipe out what they kept calling their “art.” Even then you could still see it, though.
    For once I’ll be really glad when it starts raining again.
    Getting REALLY tired of cleaning out Emma’s litter box. I asked Dad if he would shorten my punishment. He just