Fallout by Ellen Hopkins Read Free Book Online

your brain
    brew into bitter coffee
once disturbed. Sometimes
    it’s good to remember
not to go poking in woodpiles
    where snakes like to hide
and red-bellied spiders crawl.
    Unless you’re hoping to
get bit. Lusting for poison.

ALMOST A WEEK
    Since I met Brendan.
    Dad.
    Biologically speaking.
    I think.
    Still not totally sure, mostly because
    I didn’t have the balls to confront him.
    Just couldn’t figure out a way to say,
    Hey dude, did you once rape my mother?
    Wasn’t the right venue.
    Wrong place.
    Wrong time. Too many
    people around.
    So instead, it’s eating me up from
    the inside out. Sounds like a bad plot
    thread. Only, instead of some vicious
    little monster inside, all I’ve got is anger.
    Anger and the need to know.
    Even though
    knowing won’t change
    a single thing.

AFTER THE TALENT SHOW
    Brendan and Montana left
    right away. I don’t think he liked
    her celebrity status. Didn’t like
    the groupie need to say hello.
    Usually I like it, even though
    once in a while it leads to poor
    behavior on my part. Witness
    my earlier Leah rendezvous.
    But that day I exited quickly
    too. Needed to let the emotional
    dust settle. Needed to work
    through what my next move
    should be. I called Mom from
    my car. Explained the scenario.
    Hoped she’d say no way.
    Your imagination has run amok.
But she said, I was never
one hundred percent sure
that he was really your father.
I hoped he wasn’t. But I think
maybe your instincts are good.
I can’t tell you what to do
about it. Listen to your heart.
It generally says the right thing.

MY HEART SPOKE UP
    Told me Brendan is a prick
    and that, even more than our mutual
    eye art, increases the likelihood
    that he is, yes, my father.
    Guilt seethed all the way
    home. And there was no staunching
    it when Nikki greeted me at the door
    wearing a sexy red dress.
Like it? she demanded.
It’s for the station Christmas party.
    “I love it. You’ll be the prettiest girl
    there, that’s for sure.”
    Without warning, chills
    rattled my body. “Cold out today.”
See? I’m glad I didn’t go. Come on ,
I’ll fix you some cocoa.
    She pulled me off into
    the kitchen, prattling on and on
    about shopping and malls
    and where we’ll spend Christmas Day.
    Though my eyes couldn’t help but admire
    her silk-sheathed frame,
    my brain could not focus
    on what she was saying, something
she finally took note of. Hey. Are
you getting sick or what?
    She set the steaming cup
    in front of me, and her cool hand felt
my forehead. Nope. No fever. That’s
good, anyway. So …
Her look was apologetic,
like she should have asked sooner.
How was your day? See some great
talent? Any randomness?
    I sipped the rich chocolate.
    “There were a couple of pretty
    good singers. Lots of not-good singers.
    Randomness? Some.”

NIKKI’S ADVICE
Was typical Nikki.
Maybe you should just
let it go. You’re not sure ,
anyway, right?
    I had to admit I wasn’t
    sure. And also, “Not being
    sure about him means
    not being sure about me.”
She sidled up behind me,
slid her arms around
my neck. Doesn’t matter.
I’m sure about you.
    That kind of trite remark
    always irritates me. “Easy
    for you to say. You know
    who your parents are.”
Her arms fell away, and
I expected an angry retort,
but her voice carried only
hurt. Do what you have to.

SHE WAS MAD
    But I was mad too. Not
    at her, but that didn’t much
    matter. Not right then.
    In fact, I was mad enough
    to let myself not feel too bad
    about my little p.m. tryst.
    But by bedtime, I felt emptied.
    Nervous. Too, too alone.
    I watched Nik come from
    the shower, skin warm and
    hair wet, and I wanted her
    with every electron of my being.
    Not just her body. All of her.
    In bed with me, a piece of me.
    No, all of me. Because without her,
    I am nothing. I knew it then
    and I know it now. And, thank
    God, she allowed my hours
    of self-pity, then showed me
    again what it means to be
    in love with an angel.

I WATCH HER NOW
    My angel
getting ready for the