I'm Not a Terrorist, But I've Played One on TV by Maz Jobrani Read Free Book Online

school, who wouldn’t sleep with you at school, on and on. I don’t know why Iranians know so many details about each other, but I’m guessing it’s in case they want to set you up to marry their daughter. It’s like buying a new car. They do all the research so they can compare and contrast. Why set your daughter up with a Toyota when she could be with a BMW?
    That trip to see my dad was the last time I visited Iran, which is a shame. I’ve done stand-up all over the Middle East, but I have never done it in my birth country. It is a dream of mine to one day be able to perform there. For now, though, I don’t know if the current regime would welcome me because I’ve made fun of them in my stand-up. I’m guessing they would have me begin my show with a confession that I am a puppet for the Great Satan and close by denouncing Jerry Seinfeld. “He is a Jew. And the only thing worse than a Jew is a gay. While we’re at it, Ellen DeGeneres, go to hell!”
    As an Iranian-American stand-up comedian, it is almostimpossible not to talk about Iran in your act. That’s because Iran is always in the news in the United States. Even when something happens that has nothing to do with Iran, Iran will find a way to work itself into the discussion. There was a revolution in Egypt in 2011, and the first thing Iran did was send ships into the Suez Canal. They weren’t dropping anything off or picking anything up. They just made the trip to indicate that under the new Egyptian leadership, they would be treated as closer allies. Either way, the revolution was about Egypt, but Iran got its name into the papers. The Iranian regime must have the same publicist as the Kardashians.
    Being unable to avoid talking about Iran makes it difficult to go back and visit. I do one joke in which I claim that perhaps the leadership in Iran is on drugs. That would explain why they talk so much shit to America—a country with the most powerful military in the world. The fact is that opium usage is high in Iran, so it would make sense that some of these leaders could actually be on drugs. We always assume that leaders of a country have their act together. But anyone who witnessed Muammar Gaddafi’s last days in power in Libya understands that a lot of these guys are out of their minds. Gaddafi was rambling on like a meth head. I’m convinced that some leaders in Iran are just as bad. And the fact that I just wrote that line means I won’t be performing stand-up in Iran anytime soon. I’m not sure if I’m officially banned in Iran, but if I ever do a show out there I plan to call it “ Banned in Iran?” and just perform until they arrest me. At that point the tour will change its name to “Banned in Iran ! ” Exclamation, end of paragraph, end of tour.
    The Supreme Newsletter
    In 2009, there were protests in the streets of Tehran after the presidential elections. Many accused the regime of rigging the elections and giving President Ahmadinejad a wide victory when it was expected to be a close race. In some provinces, Ahmadinejad got more than 100 percent of the votes. Apparently some people voted in more than one province. The whole thing reeked of voter fraud. The protests became known as the Green Movement. Iranians were proud to see the peaceful protests, and for once it was okay to say you were Iranian in America. Up until then, most Iranians preferred to say they were Persian because it sounded nicer and friendlier. It distanced you from the current regime, and also most Americans didn’t even know what you were talking about. “You’re Parisian? I love french fries!”
    I remember being in Chicago for the Just for Laughs comedy festival and a big announcement came from the Supreme Leader of Iran claiming that if people continued to protest, whatever happened to them would be out of his hands. It was basically a threat that the authorities would be