Men at Arms by Evelyn Waugh Read Free Book Online

major.
    ‘Here’s how,’ said the mousy wife.
    ‘Here’s how,’ said Mr Crouchback with complete serenity.
    But Guy could only manage an embarrassed grunt.
    ‘First today,’ said the major, downing his pink gin. ‘Vi, order another round while I winkle out the Halberdier.’
    With a series of collisions and apologies Major Tickeridge made his way across the hall.
    ‘It’s awfully kind of your husband.’
    ‘He can’t bear a man standing idle,’ said Mrs Tickeridge. ‘It’s his Halberdier training.’
    Later when they separated for, dinner Mr Crouchback said: ‘Delightful people, didn’t I tell you? You’ll see Jenifer, tomorrow. A beautifully behaved child.’
    In the dining-room the old residents had their tables round the wall. The newcomers were in the centre, and, it seemed to Guy, got more attention. Mr Crouchback by a long-standing arrangement brought his own wine and kept it in the hotel cellars. A bottle of Burgundy and a bottle of port were already on the table. The five courses were rather better than might have been expected.
    ‘It’s really remarkable how the Cuthberts cope with the influx. It’s all happened so suddenly. Of course one has to wait a bit between courses but they manage to turn out a very decent dinner, don’t they? There’s only one change I mind. They’ve asked me not to bring Felix in to meals. Of course he did take up an awful lot of room’
    With the pudding the waiter put a plate of dog’s dinner on the table. Mr Crouchback studied it carefully, turning it over with his fork.
    ‘Yes, that looks delicious,’ he said. ‘Thank you so very much,’ and to Guy, ‘D’you mind if I take it up to Felix now? He’s used to it at this time. Help yourself to the port. I’ll be back directly.’
    He carried the plate through the dining-room up to his sitting-room, now Guy’s bedroom, and soon returned.
    ‘We’ll take him out later,’ said Mr Crouchback. ‘At about ten. I see the Tickeridges have finished dinner. The last two nights they’ve joined me in a glass of port. They seem a little shy tonight. You don’t mind if I ask them over, do you?’
    They came.
    ‘A beautiful wine, sir.’
    ‘Oh, it’s just something the people in London send down to me.’
    ‘I wish you could come to our mess one day. We’ve got some very fine port we bring out for guest nights. You, too,’ he added, addressing Guy.
    ‘My son, in spite of his advanced years, is making frantic efforts to join the army himself.’
    ‘I say, not really; I call that jolly sporting.’
    ‘I’m not seeing much sport,’ said Guy, and wryly described the disappointments and rebuffs of the last fortnight.
    Major Tickeridge was slightly puzzled by the ironic note of the recitation.
    ‘I say,’ he said. ‘Are you serious about this?’
    ‘I try not to be,’ said Guy. ‘But I’m afraid I am.’
    ‘Because if you are serious, why don’t you join us?’
    ‘I’ve pretty well given up,’ said Guy. ‘In fact I’ve as good as signed on in the Foreign Office.’
    Major Tickeridge showed deep concern.
    ‘I say, that is a pretty desperate thing to do. You know, if you’re really serious, I think the thing can be managed. The old corps never quite does things in the ordinary army style. I mean none of that Hore-Belisha stuff of starting in the ranks. We’re forming a brigade of our own, half regulars. half temporaries, half National Service men, half long-service. It’s all on bumf at present but we’re starting cadre training any day now. It’s going to be something rather special. We all know one another in the corps, you know, so if you’d like me to put in a word with the Captain-Commandant, just say so. I heard him saying the other day he could do with a few older chaps among the temporary officers.’
    By ten o’clock that night, when Guy and his father let Felix go bounding into the blackness, Major Tickeridge had made notes of Guy’s particulars and promised immediate