My Big Bottom Blessing by Teasi Cannon Read Free Book Online Page B

I don't keep. I'm sick of this insanity, but apparently not enough to change it. I really, really, really want to figure out what the heck keeps me in this horrible, self-defeating, hellish cycle. Why am I doing this? Why? Why? I feel like I'm drowning in the insanity of this. I want to be free.
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    November 16, 2002
    Well, here I am again. I want to develop a plan of attack that will help me lose fifteen pounds. I've lost quite a bit, but I need to lose these last few pounds. I need to continue to run five times a week and follow an eating plan correctly 98 percent of the time.
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    May 20, 2003
    Okay, I'm up again (on the scale) and wanting to be healthier and lose some weight. My goal is to lose twenty pounds. I think that would be a good weight for me. I need to set realistic goals. I'm not really sure how to eat. I'm confused, but I do know that I love exercise. So, I'm going to say six days a week I need thirty minutes of aerobics. Then I need to make sure I'm drinking enough water.
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    April 12, 2005
    Well, there are some things I want to do for myself. I don't really know how to make this time different than the rest of my attempts, but I've got to try. I've gotten myself up to a size 16–18. I'm not really happy at this size. I want to be a 12. I know I will feel much more like myself at that size. I think a plan that will be good for me is to walk five days a week for thirty minutes or more and substitute shakes and snack bars for meals.
MISSING THE GOOD STUFF
    I prayed for answers. I confessed every sin I could imagine might be responsible for my fat. I asked people about deliverance ministry, thinking that maybe there was a demon responsible for my misery that needed to be sent packing. Sometimes I went to the other extreme and secretly wished for some demon of thinness to possess me. Even if it meant having dark circles under my eyes and spinning my head in true Linda Blair (of Exorcist fame) fashion, at least I would be skinny. (Can you believe how crazy it got?) And I fantasized about a day when some well-meaning friend would look me straight in the eyes and say, “Teasi, you really need to eat.”
    Even more ridiculous is the fact that my obsession with fat and failure robbed me of a lot of the good in my life. On family vacations, on dates with Bill, at parties… everywhere …I was always aware of my weight, and that awareness kept me from truly living.
    It did not matter what I might have been doing right. Someone might say, “Teasi, you are such a great mom.” But I would immediately think to myself, “Yeah, but I'm fat.” Or they'd say, “Thank you so much for your prayers. You are such a great friend.” Again I'd think, “Yeah, but I'm fat.”
    My issue with weight was the undercurrent of my whole life.
LORD, TAKE ME
    Whether you think I was crazy or not, I did. And because things never seemed to change for me this side of heaven, I started wanting to cross to the other side. My failures with weight and victorious Christian living left me aching to talk to God face to face. I wanted answers. I wanted relief. I wanted my heavenly body. I wanted it so badly that I spent more time than I should have contemplating death.
    I did not want to count my blessings. I did not want to renew my mind. I wanted to get away from myself. I wanted to escape Trainer and Sabby and Reflection. I wanted freedom. I wanted peace. I wanted to drink Clorox and let it take me away. But I couldn't. I didn't want my babies to find me like that.
    I would have to continue living, but something had to change. If it couldn't be the size of my hips, then it needed to be something. Anything.
TURNING POINT
    I felt miserable and, honestly, quite hopeless. Then something deep inside—some inner mechanism hidden beneath the mountains of self-effort and walls of self-protection—surrendered. I was reduced to the only thing I knew to be true: I believe there is a God. It was