My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding by Katya Starkey Read Free Book Online Page B

arm we make our way towards the night club entrance. Just as I’m about to pass the big bald burly bouncer, who’s wearing an ill-fitting tight black suit, Lara steers me to the left. The bouncer with the shaved head winks at her and she responds with a massive eyelid squashing of her own, complete with an open mouthed grin.
    “What’s going on?” As we clickity clack our way across the outside courtyard cobblestones, I’m bursting with curiosity.
    Lara sighs loudly. “I should have blind folded you and gagged you like a proper hen do kidnapping.”
    “Um… I beg your pardon? Since when is gagging part of the bachelorette process?”
    Lara bursts out laughing and frankly so do I. We both know full well that gagging of any kind is for a different sort of hen do party!
    “Let’s get this party started, shall we?” I’m shepherded down a winding stone staircase.
    “But the main dance floor is—”
    “Surprise!” My question is cut short by mega screaming as soon as we enter the basement party lounge. I am indeed surprised. Lara has invited all of our friends! Not only that, but Anika and Paige are here too.
    “I hope you are having a diabolical hen do, boss lady!” Anika shouts over the loud music. I’m sure she doesn’t mean she hopes I have a terrible bachelorette party, I’ll just remind her to look up the definition to the word diabolical again tomorrow.
    I air kiss-kiss all my lady friends near their cheeks as we’re all settled at a long table that’s been set up down the length of the room. “Did you book this entire room?” I ask Lara who’s seated to my right as I’m at the head of the table.
    “Of course I did! Waiter!” She snaps her fingers again and I become instantly out of my mind with shock.
    To the right, along the wall is the red lit neon bar, and just beyond that is a door way through which three shirtless waiters now walk.
    “Wooooooo!” Every woman at the table starts screeching in pleasure.
    “Oh my…!” Words cannot escape my lips. Probably because I’m covering them with a surprised hand.
    The waiters, whose trays are laden with cocktails, gracefully attend to us. The shiny black trousers they’re wearing are tight and the only other things on their muscly torsos are black bow ties around their necks.
    The most tanned waiter of them all bends close to me as he places a salt-rimmed margarita onto the table in front of me. “Enjoy.” He whispers in my ear and I feel my face flush with blood of embarrassment.
    “Ha!” Lara bellows and chinks her glass with mine. “Cheers to that and a whole lot more, babe!” She winks at me, then whacks the topless waiter on his arse as he departs.
    Exclamations of, “woooo hooooo yeah!” erupt around the table for the rest of the evening. I’m given cocktail after cocktail and eventually I stop thinking about ruining my diet all together. I was right when I thought I’d be getting a gift of lingerie from Lara. Not only that, I’ve been laden with gifts all throughout the evening. I never knew how many different sizes and shapes of dildo were invented until now!
    When I’m feeling beyond tipsy I finally tell Lara it’s time to wrap things up. Half the girls have wandered onto the dance floor, while some are sitting on waiters laps at the table.
    “We’re not done just yet.” Lara grabs my hand and pulls me up out of my seat, only to direct me to a chair that’s been placed in the centre of the dance floor.
    Oh no. Oh please no. “No way am I sitting here,” I say, hopping to my feet. Suddenly, the room darkens further and the music changes tempo to a chick-a-bow-wow beat, complete with sexy eighties saxophone.
    More lady-screaming erupts all around.
    Flash!
    A spotlight, from I don’t know where, centres on the archway next to the bar. Out of which strides a completely clothed gentleman wearing a tuxedo and bowler hat.
    “Oohhhh shit.” He’s a stripper. “How could you do this to me, Lolz?” I whimper and sit into