Now That Hes Gone by Beverly Tobocman Read Free Book Online

never get as far from the mainstream as Terri did, but when you're feeling lost and alone and in need of a direction, turning to your Higher Power can be just the right move. As we've learned, your Higher Power can be God, and it can also be your family, your friends, your community. The important thing to remember is that, even in an empty house, you are not alone. Just knowing this can be a source of the strength you need to get you back on the road to your new life.
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Chapter 5 – No Matter How Bad You Have It…
    Having experienced a loss similar to the kind you've recently suffered, I really do know how you feel. And it's not a good feeling. Maybe the life you had with your man was wonderful. Maybe it was just so-so. Maybe it was miserable. Regardless, you still feel the emptiness in the place where there once was someone. You still have to climb into that cold bed alone, with no one to warm you. It's likely you still are uncomfortable thinking of yourself as single, even if you became single by choice.

    If your man passed away or walked out on you unexpectedly, you might find yourself thinking, “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?” If, on top of the emotional pain, you're also feeling the fear and insecurity of a tight financial situation, you might even be thinking, like so many women in your shoes, that “things couldn't be worse.” It's natural, perhaps even inevitable for you to feel that way at some point in your grieving process. You have a right to such feelings and neither I nor anyone else has any business telling you otherwise.
    At the same time, however, you can always take some comfort in knowing that things indeed could be worse. And for some women they most definitely are. One of the great benefits of having a support group is that you get to hear other women's stories and compare your situation to theirs. This doesn't mean we get together for “pity parties” to tell each other how miserable we are. Not at all. That's neither healthy nor productive. But it can be both healthy and productive to see yourself from the perspective of someone who is suffering or has suffered the same things you are and learn how she has dealt with them—sometimes more effectively, sometimes less. In fact, when you hear about how someone has dealt with a truly awful life situation, it can be positively inspiring. Luanne's story is a dramatic case in point.
“Never go a day unhappy.”
    If you saw Luanne today, you would never guess she had a childhood that could be accurately described as “horrific,” “nightmarish” and “a living hell.” Now in her mid-60's, she has the figure of a 25-year-old. She looks like a volleyball player, which she in fact was in her youth. People have described her as a gazelle, a Ginkgo tree, even a statuesque runway model. She has a full head of shining black hair framing a face that seems to be always smiling or laughing. Her movements are smooth, graceful, elegant, like the athlete she once was. Her figure is stunningly lithe and drop-dead gorgeous. She's dynamite to look at, and she knows it. She wears form-fitting, designer clothing often adding outrageous touches like wide-rimmed hats and “Jackie-O” sunglasses. Luanne is a tall sheath of energy, speaking rapidly and with relentless animation. Sometimes I get tired just listening to her, wondering how she can string together a dozen long sentences without seeming to take a breath.
    All this is in stark and ironic contrast to her early life. When she speaks of her childhood, her demeanor changes. She becomes quiet, subdued, almost morose in her tone. “I have no good memories,” she says with a small shake of her head.
    Her family life was never stable. Her father, who was an alcoholic, abandoned the family when she was three months old. So Luanne, her mother and two older brothers went to live with her grandmother, whom she describes as “a cruel woman who was so terribly mean, she