Regeneration X by Ellison Blackburn Read Free Book Online

was still on edge.
    “Your painting is, in and of itself, conceptually interesting. I can visualize it clearly, although I have only your written description to go by. I will offer my analysis on this portion in a moment. First, however, let me begin with a broad perspective of the crux of this entry.
    “Being disappointed with the direction your life is going, or has gone, is not wrong, nor is it necessarily cause for alarm. While many people look forward to the future, others live in the past. Whenever they were most content, or imagine they will be, is the direction their thoughts usually take.
    “There are few souls in this world who are completely content with their lives at all points. If they are happy now there is very little possibility they were as happy in the past or will be in the future. It is a cynical but realistic view; I do not think people are happy their whole lives through, at least not by the definition of the word happy.
    “I believe our purpose is to hope, strive and, hopefully, thrive. Pardon the rhyme, but there it is. If we accept this supposition then it is not possible to be happy all the time, nor does it mean everyone must be clinically depressed at one time or another. I will say, however, being resolved of life’s disappointments and not allowing life to change for the better is depressing and can lead to a chronic condition.
    “This said I interpret your painting as a manifestation of what I’ve just described. You are at the top of a mountain peak, which symbolizes a high or happy point, but you are looking out at the peaks and valleys beyond. To me this seems allied with just looking toward the future with its oncoming highs and lows. Furthermore, since this was an actual memory, you know the past and the future relative to that moment. The blurry depiction of yourself seems to reinforce that you are uncertain of your future, and perhaps you’ve romanticized the past, almost as if it were a dream.
    “So now I have to ask, in reality, how determined are you that your life is going nowhere?”
    Dr. Baum surprised her and suddenly she was glad of his uncommon techniques; her general discomfort was forgotten. Inez was right. He was very good. He didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear, exactly , nor did he just sit around, passively listening, waiting for her to reveal some deep down mental issue. She hadn’t mentioned the painting was based on a dream, but he had made another of those almost psychic connections.
    Keeping in mind his comment about depressing thoughts potentially becoming habitual, Charley offered the following and hoped it wasn’t self-deprecating: “I feel as if the things I want from life are out of my control; chances have passed and now I just have to deal with the result of the ill-informed or the ill-prepared-for choices I’ve made. I don’t feel I’m unhappy; I’m just not motivated or content with a good part of my life.
    “Outside of work I spend a good deal more time ruminating about one thing or another. Thinking, thinking and doing nothing. If I am being completely honest, I admit I create projects for distraction, which seems to give me a mental break for a short time, until I come up with something else to do. It’s a little obvious—my husband even jokes about it. And I have problems falling asleep. My dreams are strange and I wake up unaware of my surroundings.”
    “I see. Your mind is very active, but you are not.
    “We’ll get to the details later. For now, tell me of a time when you felt in control of your life and your ability to make life-altering choices. You can start anywhere—a memory of a particular moment you revisit frequently.”
    Since his person reminded her of Laurens, she described the blast from the past. “When I think back to the years before thirty, I see myself as a girl, and every guy, just a boy. That’s not to say I felt immature; I just felt young, in control, and even vivacious. The summer I turned a quarter