The Housewife Assassin's Relationship Survival Guide by Josie Brown Read Free Book Online

minute to pick the lock, so that we can replace your ankle with hers.”
    “In the meantime, I’m pulling every string I can find to clear things up with the Department of Justice,” Ryan promises. “But it won’t be easy. Remember, they’ve lost a Gitmo prisoner, and they feel you’re their only reasonable lead.”
    I still can’t get the image of Lynch out of my head.
    If I succeed, it’s to avenge his death, too.
    I stare down at my foot, then prop it on the arm of Arnie’s chair. “Okay, go for it. Just watch the toes. The paint job is still wet.”

Chapter 4
    How to Dress for Successful Dates

    Great first impressions start with good grooming! Before you open your door to your date, wash and style your hair. 
    Indulge in a mani-pedi. 
    Put on your face paint, but don’t overdo it. The goal is to cover up, not to lay it on thick. 
    Wear a flattering dress. And certainly put on a pair of heels, since they always make a woman’s legs look great, and give her a slimming silhouette. 
    A bit of jewelry is like feathers on a peacock, drawing a man’s eye to the most flattering places: your neck, your wrists, your waist, your hair, and your face.
    Surprise! The best accessory of all: a Baby Browning .22 caliber semi automatic. Less than three inches and not even ten ounces, this little gun fits in the palm of your hand (not to mention in a purse, up a sleeve, or in your bra). 
    With Baby onboard, any gentleman caller who turns out to be no gentleman at all but a slob who likes playing impromptu game of slap-and-tickle will listen when you warn him to move his hand.
    Or else lose an eye. Have fun!
     

    “What’s your weight?” Jack murmurs.
    That’s the wrong question to ask a woman as she’s wiggling into a Spanx Slim Cognito shape slip. “Um…one-o-nine.” I answer him.
    Jack’s head whips around so fast, you’d think he needs an exorcist. He closes an eye and cocks his head to one side. “For real?”
    “Yes, of course!” I turn my back to him, so he doesn’t see that my face is as red as a tomato: not because my circulation has been cut off, but from my indignation that he’d have the nerve to question me. “My God, I’ve been answering these silly questions all night! What does it really matter? According to Arnie, the minute my profile goes live, it will automatically simulate the desired characteristics reflected in the suspects’ accounts.” 
    “You know the drill. We still have to fill out the profile fields, or else Sugar CEO won’t accept your application. There are just a few more questions, so bear with me. Of course, if you want me to do it without you—”
    “Ha! Don’t you dare.”
    “Have a little faith! I promise to follow your lead and fill in a bunch of lies.” 
    While he taps away on the computer keyboard, I rummage through my collection of wigs to see what I can salvage from Trisha’s last play date with her best friend, Janie Breck. Thanks to the girls’ mutual addiction to sweet pink cotton candy-flavored Bubble Yum, so far three of them need to be shortened or tossed. I hope I have a few left over so that Jack can take pictures of me in them. That way, Arnie’s software algorithm will upload the one that best corresponds with the target’s sugar baby wish list. 
     “You’re going to have to answer some true/false, comment and multiple choice questions. Okay, question number one: If you had a porn name, what would it be?”
    “Ha! I’ll just bet they don’t ask the sugar daddies the same thing.”
    “Good supposition. Let me see.” He opens another screen and scrolls through the website. “You’re right, they don’t. But they do ask the dude’s net worth, starting at 25 million and going up from there.”
    “Cha- ching!  Okay, that evens the playing field somewhat. If I’m going to be someone’s fantasy, he’s got to make it worth my while. In that case, type in ‘Mila Johansson’ as my porn name.” 
    “Not fair. All you’ve done