The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant by John Warren, Libby Warren Read Free Book Online

the individuals who create them. Some are mild, like spanking or bondage, while others are what some consider edge play.
    There really is no hierarchy of the fantasies, but some are obviously easier to realize than others. While they remain strictly a fantasy, no trust is involved. The fantasy level would also include mind play and some negotiated play or clearly defined and limited scenes during which trust can begin to develop.
    In the next level, power transfer begins, and there is great opportunity for trust to develop. I call this level “clarity” because there is a clear understanding of what power is being transferred. This is often stipulated by contracts and limited by the establishment of safewords. The submissive is watchful at first and careful to determine that the dominant is technically competent, as well as caring and comforting. The range of activities is again determined by the mutual fantasies involved.
    Because of the range, there is a great deal of diversity among the so-called real dominants. As trust develops, so does the relationship. For some involved in BDSM activities, it is sufficient to have these times set aside for scenes, but for others the trust building helps to develop the relationship outside of the BDSM activities. There is a continuum within this level with functional scenes at one end and real relationships at the other.
    In the third level, called transparency, the partners know each other well, and trust for personal safety is well established. Safewords are still operative, but they are not as necessary because the dominant has a sharper awareness of the submissive’s limits. Paramount in this level is excellent communication and a willingness for each to trust the other with what is truly within their hearts and souls.
    In this level, one begins to establish emotional trust, a kind of, “I trust my body, safety and pleasure to you. Now, may I also trust you with my emotions, hopes and other desires?” It is here, with the passion-desires of the maiden having been met, the fully realized woman, incarnated as goddess, begins to hope and believe her relationship-desires and drive to be special or chosen can be met. Many BDSMers move into this level, but it takes ongoing work to maintain transparent trust.
    The experience of submission
    Well, what is it like to step across that threshold from fantasy into clarity? I’ve had BDSM or S&M or B&D fantasies as far back as I can remember. As I came to realize these sexual fantasies, I was a bit ill at ease, thinking I was a masochist. None of the terms to describe what I felt seemed to capture what seemed to me to be very natural, exciting and compelling.
    I feared enacting my fantasies for several reasons: that I would not be safe doing so, that I would verify that I was a pervert, and that reality would not be as good as fantasy. I believed that somehow I would be able to negotiate safety and be able to deal with the pervert label if I acted on this desire, but I was very reluctant to give up exciting sexual energy that I derived from the fantasy.
    After a while, I knew that I would have to at least have to find out. It actually took more courage to get over being a BDSM virgin than to lose my virginity in the first place. Behind the mask of a computer bulletin board, I felt safe enough to talk about it. I stalked my lover on a national family-oriented bulletin board after I found out he had BDSM interests and experience. I had long thought about answering BDSM or B&D personal advertisements, but an image of a snickering and licentious sadist always prevented me.
    This computer bulletin board stalking did allow me to discover things about him outside his BDSM interest which made him seem like a reasonable risk to me. After stalking for a while, I wrote him a private email that said, simply, I shared his interests. He wrote back, and a week later I was on my way to visit him in NYC.
    We met on leap-year day. To me this was symbolic of